I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
