woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
