I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
