I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
