I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
