My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
