I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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