I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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