is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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