There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
