he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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