I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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