some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
