Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
