I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
