I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
