Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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