I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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