I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
