I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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