This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
