where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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