She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
