I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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