Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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