if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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