so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
