kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
