you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
