You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
