are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
