Those balls look pretty dangerous.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
