Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
