You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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