my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
