she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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