ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
