My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
