This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
