You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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