I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
