I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Drunk is a universal language darling
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