The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
