That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
