he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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