You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
