What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize