I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
