So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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