he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
