Your face is a jimmy john
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
