well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
