I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
